well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
