How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
