you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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