Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
