Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
