zippers are such a cool invention
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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