yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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