It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
