I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
