Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize