Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
