I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
there is puke in my bra ... again
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