my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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