the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
