Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
