when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
