I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
