Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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