I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
