like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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