He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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