I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
