It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
