im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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