apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
