did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
