Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
