That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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