I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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