The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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