if i can run in heels then i can drive
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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