she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
