i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
When are your genitals available?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
