maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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