I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
