I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want to fling myself into the sun
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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