I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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