um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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