She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
