Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
