I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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