I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
