I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Let's get the cat blown out
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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