Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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