I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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