that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
