no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
