Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
