I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
