i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
