I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
