And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
