I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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