the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
