did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
