I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
